Roxetta:

Too Damn Close For Comfort

2008-09-05T02:46:59Z

~Today my may Master came closer than ever before. I was determined not to succumb to him, however, but my heart was in my throat. He told me I was a good girl for Master, and asked me if I would keep on being good. I didn't say anything, stubbornly keeping my mouth shut. He strapped me down to the bed. I struggled and he laughed at my efforts to release myself from the velcro bonds one-handed.
~It seemed that today was just for him own pleasure and not mine. This was to be expected, even though those days are few and far between, occasionally he gets the urge to just worry about himself and leave. When his amusement from watching me in vain trying to free myself faded, he untied me, made me stand straight up and asked me if I was going to obey, to surrender myself to him and behave from then on. Over and over I said no, and over and over I got a slap across the face, across one cheek, then the other, sometimes one, sometimes two. Soon I didn't know from which direction the blows would come, and I was just ducking under his hand, trying to shield myself from his hands as my face grew hotter and redder.
~It seemed like an eternity before he stopped, and soon I found myself bent over the bed, with his determined hands twining around a fist-full of my hair. His mating with me was fast, and he didn't finish. Instead he pulled away and told me that it wasn't over by a long shot. I shuddered. Usually that means that he can go and go for hours. In just seconds he had pushed me backwards and hung me from the hooks on the door, zip-ties around my wrists. I wasn't tall enough to get myself down either. (Zip-ties seem to be popular enough.)
~It didn't take long for the belt to come out, and the braided rope that left welts on my tender flesh. He asked me again and again, Would I surrender? Roxi, will you give in to me? You can stop all this for yourself if you just promise to obey...
~I shook my head...Physical surrender meant nothing. If I made up my mind to ignore the pain, or to embrace it, then when I decided I could put up with the pain my promise to obey would mean nothing. Did not mental surrender mean nothing to him also?

*Perhaps I should explain something about myself that I try not to share with anyone. Part of it is that I am addicted to pain. That is a big part of it. The other part, the even bigger part, is this: It is a problem with my pain receptors. Since my body has a higher pain tolerance than other people, the pain just lingers for seconds, and then is turned to pleasure in moments. I feel the pain as pleasure. I know it has something to do with the way my body processes it, but I'm not sure exactly what happens to make it react the way it does. It is somewhat akin to being drunk. When I am kissed, my mouth feels bruised and tender, then my whole body feels flushed, and no matter what, at any type of pain, I feel it for a moment, and then I get light headed and my eyes just want to roll back into my head. Jacqueline Carey, in her book entitled "Kushiel's Dart," explains it better than I...a french word meaning "one who finds pleasure in anguish"--- an "anguisette." This explains me to a tee*

~Angry and exasperated, he tied me to a chair finally, leaving me there to think about my words. After a few moments he came back, watching my fists ball up in frustration at being bound. He said softly, with a smile on his face, "You're doing this to yourself. Don't you want to be free? Oh...do you want to hit me? Poor Roxetta." I growled at him that if he untied me I'd show him how bad I wanted to, and he let me go. I was shocked for a moment, and fled across the room to the door. My back to the wall, I faced him, knees shaking. Every iota in me wanted to run, but every bit of courage I had told me to stay, to face him. I chose to stay and he sat in the chair, naked, grinning madly at me.
~He asked me if I was just going to stand there, or if I was gonna hit him. I told him that every second I stood, I defied him. He laughed and said I defied him because he let me. After a few moments I stalked towards him. I figured that if he hadn't hurt me by now, maybe he was going to try to talk me down, and not hurt me. I raised my fist, drew it back, let it fly towards his face...
...and he bounced up on the balls of his feet, grabbed my hand, spun it behind me, and had me on my knees in a heartbeat. I cried out, partly in surprise, partly because he almost dislocated my shoulder in the process. He turned the chair around backwards and sat on it that way, with my chin resting on the back of the chair. He sighed as if tiring of this game. To be honest, at that moment I nearly did surrender, from just wanting it to end, but I couldn't. I would be back to the same tricks tomorrow.
~He said to me that I had two choices. I could repeat after him and swear an oath that I would obey and serve him for the rest of my life, or I could do it the hard way, and he would beat it out of me. I looked him in the eyes, something I haven't done in a long time, and I cried softly, "Don't you understand? It has to be real! If I give in to you now, I'll never be broken. Ever. I won't know what the limit truly is."
~He frowned and said that he was hoping to have me today, and I whispered sadly to him, "Not without a damn good fight."
~Something inside him snapped then, and he backhanded me across the left side of my jaw. Something in my mouth cracked and the force of his blow snapped my head backwards and my body followed my head. I found myself laying there, my jaw throbbing and blood filling my mouth. I tried to raise myself on my arms, and failed, then tried again. I spit out a mouthful of blood on the carpet and gingerly touched the inside of my mouth. The inside of my cheek was wet with blood. I spit again and he grabbed my hair.
~He started to hit me with the braided rope, lash after lash fell, and I could not hold myself up anymore. He told me to stand, and I wailed that I couldn't. He said, "Good." with satisfaction and knocked me over on my back. This time our mating wasn't so fast, and I cried out in pain as the carpet rubbed my knife wounds. I scrambled backwards, trying to move away from him, and he held my shoulders. Finally I reached up with one hand and slapped him as hard as I could. His head only moved a couple of inches from MY blow, and he smiled at me. Words came out of his mouth that I had never heard before: "Fight me. Hit me." He moved his face closer to mine, and with a maniacal smile, he whispered, "I like it as much as you."
~I screamed at him and beat him with my fists, desperation filling my soul. I couldn't fight him if he liked it. I could hurt him and hurt him and he would only laugh. I served him, pleasured him, by hurting him. Just as he pleasured me by hurting me. Finally I lay there, weeping, numb, cold. He finished and started to asked me a question...
~Just as the cries from outside the bedroom told us that our child had woken up.
~I almost started crying again from relief, he had been so close, but he had not yet breached the walls I build around myself. Part of me wants to be broken but part of me doesn't. I know I need it, to be built again under Master's careful tutelage into who I should be, but I am afraid of knowing my limits. I'm not sure I want to know.

The Conversation

2008-09-02T02:16:04Z

Soon after my Master enlisted the help of The Apprentice, I was stopped in my bedroom on my way to the master bath when The Apprentice grabbed me, enfolded me in his arms, and started to pet my head. I struggled just a little at first, since The Apprentice is known for screwing around with people and doing things purely for shock value. Then, when I realized he wasn't about to let go, I started a struggle just a little bit more. The following is the conversation as close as I can remember it transpiring:

~The Apprentice: Shh. Don't struggle. I'm not going to hurt you.
~Roxi: I don't really trust you.
~The Apprentice: Just be still. I only want to talk.
~Roxi: I don't understand what you want from me.
~The Apprentice: Just listen.
~Roxi: But you're scaring me petting me on the head. I don't like it.
~The Apprentice: Just shhh. Listen. Are you gonna listen or do I need to get violent?
Roxi stops struggling and is still.
~The Apprentice: Good girl. I just wanted to say that I think your Master and I are going to have lots of fun trying to break you.
Roxi twists her head and looks at him, offended and baring her teeth in a silent growl. He reaches for her face and starts to stroke her cheek, a half smile on his face. She frowns slightly when he just smiles a bit more and keep stroking her face.
~The Apprentice: You may last a while, and you may put up a good fight, but we will break you, and I just wanted to let you know that I look forward to doing it. You'll learn your place after all.
Roxi at this point just walks away, chilled and feeling unsure of herself. The Apprentice is scary sometimes and she is not sure what to think.

~It's true. At this point I didn't know what to think except it scared me just a little. The Apprentice is one to be afraid of. Just the other day he looked into my eyes and told me that he loved look of fear in my eyes and that he looked forward to seeing that look again. This also gave me goosebumps. The Apprentice is to be feared. I already fear the Master. Isn't two enough?

The Difference Between the Two

2008-09-01T08:54:19Z

~My Master is indeed becoming more unpredictable. In fact, today he was almost cruel. I had told him that as long as my collar was off, I didn't have to do anything he said, and I could feel him growing more and more angry by the second. He made sure my collar was good and snug, hung me from the closet door, and sliced my back up to hell with a knife belonging to The Apprentice. Now it looks like a checkerboard. Welts or bruises, I'm not sure, but I've had both.
~He didn't have to say anything. I already knew. It wasn't about whether the collar was physically there. I was to behave at all times as if a mental collar was there. And now I have to keep it on in the shower and everything. ~He had a knife to my throat and told me not to move while he had his way with me. He slid the knife down over my skin and it hurt only for a split second, feeling the blade part my skin with a whisper. The pain went away and was replaced with a burning warmth on my beaten and pliable flesh. However, he did not make me surrender to him. Not yet. He sliced the inside of my thigh and I almost buckled. I almost gave in. It took every ounce of strength I had to stand there in silence and not cry out for mercy, not to give them the weakness they want to see. But even today I was not as close to breaking as I was when The Apprentice had that belt.
~Afterwards, when I was in the corner on the floor, The Apprentice came in to give me a washcloth. I think it shocked him more than anything. He thought he knew Roxetta. He thought he knew what Roxetta's limits are, but the sound of his voice went from one of compassion to one of pure shock.
~I wanted to say, "I'm not really like this," but it stuck in my throat. That would have been a lie. I do like it. I crave it. That is why I need to be broken. It needs to be broken out of me.
~Nothing has made me that afraid. At least, nothing before now. I think he knows now that any and all things neccessary must be done to drive the rebellion out of me. The Apprentice, when he conversed with me and told me he would help break me (Blog Entitled, "The Conversation"), he was so calm, so sure. So much so, in fact, that it almost made ME sure. I must not doubt myself if I am to fight them.
~Against my Master, I may hold on. Against both? Never. Because together they are one.
~There is a wide difference between the two. My Master, though he is soley the most intimidating person I have encountered, is a purely physical individual. He uses physical aggression to move, bend, and shape my will. The Apprentice is opposite from him, having the mental stamina to prevail when all that is physical has failed.
~I can push my Masters buttons to provoke him into physical attack, but The Apprentice cannot be stirred into a petty argument between Master and Submissive. Apart, they each must be trained to maintain physical and mental equality. Together, they create the perfect Master. They have yet to see this. I wonder how long it will be before they figure this out.

An Introduction to Myself

2008-08-31T13:15:02Z

~For the past two years, I have been a submissive under the careful instruction of my Master. He has named me Roxetta, and that part of me is the owner of this journal. It will flag the progresss I am making under his careful tutelage. For the past year, he has slacked off a little, for the stresses of life have been many, and the opportunities to train me have been few.
~But for now, in case I have forgotten much of my previous training, Master has decided to start all over again. He reminds me of the many reasons why I am the way I am, and that many of these reasons need constant attention. Please keep in mind that while I will not go into explicit detail (there is no need, for the human imagination fills in the blanks) things will be talked about here. If I were to keep a journal on paper and not bring it to his attention I would indeed be in trouble, and discipline would be in order.
~I am the way I am for several reasons, but first let me say that I am NOT under any circumstances weak or belittled because I allow my Master, my husband, in fact, to put a collar around my neck. No. I am stronger for placing that kind of trust in him. In fact, this implies the utmost confidence and trust in him that while I am under his control, I have the faith in him (that lots of married couples do not have anyway) to do me no evil and allow me to come out the other side alright. I do have that confidence in him, and the result of which is that we have a constant unwavering trust in each other that is so deep that none can come between us.
~Reason 1: I am in constant control of my life. I do the finances, I take care of groceries, our children, the house. I am the glue (much like every wife or mother) that holds my house together. When I fall apart, everything else does too. It is the greatest thing in the world to be allowed to relinquish that control, even over myself, to someone else for a little while. I enjoy this, it is the way I am. I have come to terms with this side of myself and no amount of cajoling, ridicule or prejudice will take it from me. He does not hold me against my will nor do i go into this unwillingly.
~Reason 2: My previous relationship (the father of my first son) did me endless amounts of harm. I have been with Master for two years and still I find things that have been affected by my very harmful relationship with my ex. He beat me down, he teased me, hurt me, scarred me. He turned me into a sniveling crying pitiful pathetic crawling excuse for a woman that I will never be again. Never. My husband, my Master, he came into this knowing that I needed to be broken, of all the things that my ex had instilled in me. The need to say I'm sorry all the time for things I had no reason to be sorry about, the asking permission to take a shower, the nagging thoughts that I was unworthy, a bad mother, a horrible girlfriend. These are things that he said or did to me, to batter at my self esteem and make me what he wanted me to be. My Master knows, as do I, that in order to build me back up into a beautiful, self-aware woman, these things must be broken out of me. I must have the balls to have my own life, to take back that confidence which fled me five years ago. I must be broken. This is the story of my journey.
~Reason 3: I have a need to go through these things and come out the other side in one piece, unscathed. When I am under another's control, my life is in their hands. Aside from being my husband, there would be nothing stopping him from gutting me and leaving me to die if so desired. I have been like clay under his hands. he has made me fight, cry, bleed, struggle...It has been a struggle, and still I come out the other side victorious. Like I can raise my fists to the world and cry out, "See!? I am still here! I will always still be here!"
~Reason 4: I have kept everything inside of me, bubbling up and over my level of toleration for so long, making me feel dead inside. I used to face the world thinking that it would never end, and I would be stuck in this dead-end relationship with my ex forever. But when I am velcroed in straps to the corners of the bed, the straps tied there are like my lifelines, and I am alive. Every iota of pain or pleasure, depending on whether our session is for training and what kind, thrums through my veins and makes me feel as if there is nothing else in the world except Master and I, in this place. Time stands still.
~I am not abused. I am not being held here if I do not want to be. There is a safety word for that. All I do is say the word, and anything we are doing stops. Anything that I feel I cannot handle. I love my husband, and I love my Master, and my children witness a more complete affection that we feel for each other because of the ultimate trust we have behind closed doors. I do not do this in front of my kids, I have a bedroom just like every one else, and all of my sexually related toys are locked with a padlock in a chest.
If you are reading this just to judge, please turn back now. Everyone needs something, and right now, I need livejournal.